When you realize you are old…

I’ve written before about aging and my  middle “child” accusing me of wanting to look old. No, I don’t want to look old. I just want to look like the me who is me. I am no longer 25. I am no longer blonde. I actually like my glittery natural highlights. And quite frankly, to be honest, I no longer have the same body I had when I was young.

My current body is a true reflection of what age does…it breaks, or just breaks down. I have done both. When I broke my foot (the first time), I was only 48. But I broke it in a bunch of pieces that just didn’t want to heal. Then I broke it again. Enter the hardware to hold it together. Somehow, at 48 and 49, I didn’t bounce up or back like I might have when I was younger. But I tried.

A few years later, it was the ankle’s turn. Quite literally. Same limb, different joint. New boot. And now a SCOOTER! Woo hoo! The grandkids loved it. Nana had wheels!

I didn’t quite bounce back fully from that either. My gait changed because of the time spent walking in the boot and trying to avoid pain or falling. I didn’t seem to be able to shake the fear that I was going to fall again. And I seemed to find ways to fall again, without suffering new fractures. Yippee for me!

My current task is dealing with the arthritic back and a few big words that describe what is causing me so much pain when I walk.

Which brings me back to my purpose in writing this post in the first place. I know I am getting old. My body confirms it every. single. day. BUT in my heart, I feel like I am still 25…still learning and growing and becoming who I really am. Even though I have a body that betrays me, that part of me that makes me ME is still excited to learn and grow and become.

Are you just aging? Or are you pressing on toward the prize?

Philippians 3:12-14 (J.B. Phillips)

Yet, my brothers, I do not consider myself to have “arrived”, spiritually,
nor do I consider myself already perfect. But I keep going on,
grasping ever more firmly that purpose for which Christ grasped me.
My brothers, I do not consider myself to have fully grasped it even now.
But I do concentrate on this: I leave the past behind
and with hands outstretched to whatever lies ahead I go straight for the goal—
my reward the honour of being called by God in Christ.

Fur Babies

My husband and I have two dogs…Joe Bear and Dia. I used to be a cat person, but man…allergies developed into asthma and that was the end of me being a cat person. I still love them. Wish I could have a few. But I have this longing to breathe without a wheeze, soooo…no cats.

But Joe Bear and Dia are pretty great fur babies. I guess my big old Joe is about 100 years old in dog years. He is a 14 year old Newfidor–Newfoundland/Black Lab mix. Yes. He is old. Yes, he is big. And, yes, he sheds his undercoat twice each year. When I say it blows…it really does. He reminds me of the bison and buffalo with their fur hanging off their bodies.

Dia is crazy. She is a 7 year old Golden Cockeretriever…I know. I made that word up. While she is a very pretty dog, she is just a wee bit hyper still. She loves me but views just about everyone who comes to our house as a threat to me…

My big old boy has been failing for the last 2 years. These big dogs don’t usually live to be as old as he is, and we know that we will have to make that hard decision pretty soon. If it was just arthritis, that would be doable. Even his humongous cataracts aren’t a problem. But it seems that he has some kind of serious problem now that is causing him a lot of discomfort, like bad headaches. He presses his head against my leg and looks at me with a sad, puppy dog face. I massage his head, and eventually he seems to feel a little better, but I know that he is in pain. As I sit here writing this, he is hugging his head with his paws and I know he is hurting.

So here I sit, trying to decide how to know when it is unfair to keep him living through the pain. How do I know if I am doing the right thing? If I were failing, I wouldn’t want someone to put me down. I would want to fight to the end.

This is the struggle of today. Pretty soon, I am going to be bawling and wondering if I made the right decision and missing his sweet personality. My tender Bear. I don’t think I have the heart to go through this again.

snowfall joe

Joe Bear: Why’d you make me come inside???