Dancing Eyes had tears today…they were fleeting, but he was crushed when I told him it was my turn to use my computer. “But Nana, it’s not just YOUR computer,” he whimpered.
“Ummm, yes, actually, it IS just mine, but I share it with everyone,” was my reply.
“No, but it’s not yours and I won’t let you use it next time,” came his response. Mind you, he wasn’t being stubborn, just trying to figure out how the whole ownership and sharing thing really works.
“Yes, Nana used her own money to buy the computer. It is mine, but I share it with you,” I stated as gently as possible.
“Well, well….well, you can’t use it later then…” came his final reply. Alas, I had failed to get the concept into his little lovable head.
Of course, he had an organ eruption about that time and started giggling and forgot about the computer and became my love with bright eyes in just about the time it takes to blink.
As I consider his incredible sadness at not getting to continue “working” with my computer and not able to understand that some things actually belong to Nana and not to everyone, it made me realize something rather ugly about myself.
When I am upset with someone for what I believe to be an injustice, it is hard for me to “share” the goodness of God with that person–I want Him and all His benefits for myself–I want Him to rain down His righteous wrath on the guilty party, but for me…well, when I am the guilty one I want Him to show me His grace and mercy. Why is that? When He has shown me such love, how can I withhold that love from someone who has wronged me or someone I love? I just don’t really want to share, I guess. I want to selfishly hold on to that ugly feeling. YUCK! Why would ANYONE want to feel that way?
It is a humiliating realization to see that as a “mature adult” I am so much like a toddle in so many unfortunate ways. I think the only real difference is that I KNOW I am acting like a toddler, and my little Dancing Eyes doesn’t know about the “grown up” way of sharing yet. He has a legitimate reason for acting like a 4 year old–HE IS FOUR!
I never want to be “that person” who keeps track of all the slights, the being ignored or mistreated, being overlooked for some praise or wonderful opportunity and become that wrinkled, bitter, unhappy woman. I want to be that woman filled with grace that is imparted to those who cross my path, no matter how they may have hurt me or angered me. I want to overflow with that godly sweetness that touches whoever I see. My desire is for that sweetness to ooze out of every pore and be so approachable that people see in me a safe haven when they are hurting and need a place of refuge.
How nice of Dancing Eyes to teach me a thing or two while his mama was at work today.